March 12 came and went

My sweet mom left us at 5 pm on March 12 2007. I never like to make this day anything special or remember it in any way, however the feelings bubble up to the surface even if I don't want them to. I think about what we were doing and feeling. Its unimaginable the things we had to see and hear. We all have to pass through this thing called death, we will all have to experience it. I was glad to be there with my mom holding her hand as she transitioned to her new world. I just miss her and miss the life we could have been having right now. Moving on is a tough concept, this has changed every relationship that I have ever had. I never imagined that there would be people who knew mom who would stop communicating with us after she was gone. But they have, when that link is gone the relationships are gone. Its all very hard. Three years since I have heard her voice or touched her hand or kissed her cheek. I can still remember everything so clearly. I love and miss you mom.

Faith

Unanswered yet? that prayer your lips have pleaded?
In agony of heart these many years?
Does faith begin to fail; is hope departing,
And think you all in vain those falling tears?
Say not the Father has not heard your prayer;
You shall have your desire sometime,somewhere.

Unanswered Yet? Though when you first presented
This one petition at the Father's throne
It seemed you could not wait the time of asking,
So urgent was your heart to make it known.
Though years have passed since then, do not despair;
The Lord will answer you sometime, somewhere.

Unanswered yet? Nay, do not say ungranted;
Perhaps your own part is not yet whooly done,
The work began when first your prayer was uttered.
And God will finsih what he has begun.
If you will keep the incense burning there,
His glory you shall see sometime, somewhere.

Un answered yet? Faith cannot be unasnwered;
Her feet were firmly planted on the Rock;
Amid the wildest storms she stands undaunted,
Nor quails before the loudest thunder shock
She knows Omnipotence has heard her prayer,
And cries "It shall be done," sometime, somewhere.
-Ophelia G Adams

Christine, Mom, Grandma, Daughter, sister and wife

If all the skies were sunshine
Our faces would be fain
To feel once more upon them
The cooling splash of rain.
If all the world were music,
Our hearts would often long
For one sweet strain of silence,
To break the endless song.
If life were always merry,
Our souls would seek relief,
And rest from weary laughter
In the quiet arms of grief.
--Henry Van Dyke--

The Things Mom would love

We all recently went to the So You Think You Can Dance Tour!! Its so amazing. Nothing makes me happier than to watch dance...and dance myself of course which seems to be only in my fantasies these days. My siblings are so supportive of me, every year they pay a lot of money to come to these shows with me and I think they really do it more for me than themselves. Tara, Jenny, and Casey thank you so much for supporting me in something that means so much and makes me so happy. Dancing makes me think of mom. Its the connection only she and I have and it runs so deep. Whenever it came to dancing our souls connected. I miss that. She would love going to these with us. Like me I think nothing made her happier than the expression of dance~! I love you mom. I will always be your little dancer.

Shannybabe

Another day I dread. I hate to say that because it is my mom's birthday. How can I say that about my moms birthday. The tears started yesterday and continued through today. Jason asked me what I wanted to do today and all I truly wanted to do was get in bed and pull the covers over my head. But when you are mom you never get to do that. So I got up and pushed through the morning. Our hospice nurse Larri became much more than just a nurse to me. She is the only person who saw what we went through and she herself lost her own son when he was 9 years old. Her son Trevor's birthday is tomorrow (the day after my moms). Since I cannot go to St. George to visit my mom's grave I go to Trevor's and visit his and Nurse Larri goes mom's. This year my grandparents (the best in the world) and Jenny came with me to the cemetery and we left balloons on Trevor's grave. I truly feel in my heart I know Trevor and when I see my mom I will see Trevor as well and know him. I feel he's an amazing person! I also have a tradition of buying balloons for each member of my family so each of us get to write a message on the balloon for mom and let it go outside. I want my children to know my mom and know their grandma Chris. We talk to Carter all the time about Grandma Chris. He says all the time she is in Heaven with Jesus and every time I hear the words they penetrate my soul. It is my mission to always know her as if she were here with me and to teach my children of her so they know her as well as they ever could. Another day, another year. I love you mom with all my heart and miss you beyond description. Happy happy Birthday!
Love Your
Shanny Babe

Casey's poem

"I am feeling very deep right now. Life is full of so much. So many decisions. I am frustrated. I have tried to devote myself and my life to the gospel. My mother got sick, I cried with her, I stood tall as she cried on my shoulder. I shuddered in my room as I heard her cry in pain from afar. I stood by the side of my father as we offered unto her countless blessings. I left her. I took my call of duty to service and left. We cried once again. I served, I did what I was supposed to do . She became worse. I left the vineyard to be by her side. We cried together once more. I left again. I left my dying mother to never see her again in this life. I served the Lord and shared the glad message honorably. I returned home to a changed life. To a motherless life. Things are supposed to work. Things are supposed to go well. My sacrifice should be recognized. But is is not. This is wrong. I should be thankful. I should be thankful for my trials. But right now I am not. My life would be better if my mom were here. I would be better. I would not feel so alone. I pray that this attitude will change. I pray that I may be wrothy of the Spirit to touch and change my heart. I pray that I may stand in holy places and be guided. I pray that there will be those along my path that will recognize my life and challenges. I pray for the day that I will see my mom. My precious mother. My angel mother. I miss you so. Words cannot express. There is a hole. It is everywhere. It grows. It is ever-present. She loved me so much in her mortal life. She offered me so much. My life felt so complete. The pain overwhelms me, but I must go on. I know that if I live worthy, the Lord will bless my life. This is the hope that I hold onto. Right now I feel anger, but hope will always ensue."

Remembering moms birthday

November 24th is moms 57th birthday. Gone to soon is what keeps echoing in my mind lately. Everyone still struggles a lot with it. I wish I could make it all better. I love my mom and can't wait to see her again. There is always an open wound you carry around with you when you go through this type of thing. The lesson is how to keep living. I think I'm learning slowly.