It just hurts

Sometimes it just really hurts. Still 5 1/2 years later somedays I just can't believe I have to live without her. I recently watched conference and there was a talk about a man who had lost a son who was a baby at the time. He described some of the feelings he had after the death and about living without his son. He talked about living without the fullness of joy. This is exactly how I feel. It is living without the fullness of joy. I still have joy but its just not at its fullest and I will not experience this until we are reunited and together again. I pray that heavenly father will give me the strength I need to do this. I love this picture of mom and Casey on Halloween!!!!!

I was just having a conversations with Nick who has been able to feel my mom the most of all of us and has told me many things over the years. Nick was only barely three when mom passed. I said... do you ever feel Grandma Chris? He said... ya I feel her a lot and I said ..do you hear her and he said no I feel her in my heart and I said what do you feel and he said I feel a lot of love. And I said how often and he said very often. This made me very happy to know that even if I don't feel my mom as often as I wish my kids are feeling her because they are so pure and innocent and they just let those feelings in. I know my mom is around even though sometimes I let myself get down wondering if she has moved on. These reasurrences are so good for me.

If we constantly focus on the stones in our mortal path, we will almost surely miss the beautiful flower or cool stream provided by a loving Father who outlined our journey.

God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in him to keep moving, keep living,keep rejoicing. In fact, he expects you not simply to face the future ; he expects you to embrace and shape the future to love it and rejoice in it and delight in you opportunities.

memories

I never thought that I would enjoy looking at these pictures of moms funeral again but i think its kind of nice to get them out sometimes and have a good cry.

Casey and Sara's Wedding

Casey and Sara were married April 25 2012. We had a glorious day! The temple was so special and I think that the veil is thinned for such occasions. I know my mom was there enjoying every minute with us. We missed her so much as we always do at family events. We have learned to be more sensative to the spirit and listen closely for anything it may have to tell us. Congratulations to my dear brother and his new bride!

My Mother's Knowledge

As time continually progresses, the more I realize how much my mom taught me. I find myself recalling so often things that she would say to me. I treasure the things that she taught me. I treasure the advice that I received. Imparting her words and knowledge keeps her alive.

She taught me things that to this day make me laugh: I remember one time I went to Wal-Mart with her and we decided to get a donut before shopping. We ate them and my mom said, "Ya know, I think the least that Wal-Mart owes me is a donut for me doing my shopping here."
I couldn’t agree more. And to this day I don’t feel any guilt when I enjoy myself a donut at the store.

My mom had common sense: She always said, "Money is meant to be spent and cars are meant to be driven"
Thus, why I don't always feel guilty when I spend money or drive far too much.

In going through her trials and sickness she said. "I think I knew what I was in for in the pre-earth life and what was to come and the trials I would face and I accepted them to be able to have the chance to be with my children."
My mom understood the gospel in every way. She understood that she was foreordained to be my mom and to be an example in this life and to go through the trials that she had to endure. She went through this life with dignity and grace and style. She embraced those around her who were rarely embraced by others. She loved her husband in a way that he will never be the same while he is away from her. And she raised her children in a way that for the rest of our days we will cherish her and call her blessed.
I love you, mom. Beyond these words.