Friday, December 11, 2009
We all recently went to the So You Think You Can Dance Tour!! Its so amazing. Nothing makes me happier than to watch dance...and dance myself of course which seems to be only in my fantasies these days. My siblings are so supportive of me, every year they pay a lot of money to come to these shows with me and I think they really do it more for me than themselves. Tara, Jenny, and Casey thank you so much for supporting me in something that means so much and makes me so happy. Dancing makes me think of mom. Its the connection only she and I have and it runs so deep. Whenever it came to dancing our souls connected. I miss that. She would love going to these with us. Like me I think nothing made her happier than the expression of dance~! I love you mom. I will always be your little dancer.
Another day I dread. I hate to say that because it is my mom's birthday. How can I say that about my moms birthday. The tears started yesterday and continued through today. Jason asked me what I wanted to do today and all I truly wanted to do was get in bed and pull the covers over my head. But when you are mom you never get to do that. So I got up and pushed through the morning. Our hospice nurse Larri became much more than just a nurse to me. She is the only person who saw what we went through and she herself lost her own son when he was 9 years old. Her son Trevor's birthday is tomorrow (the day after my moms). Since I cannot go to St. George to visit my mom's grave I go to Trevor's and visit his and Nurse Larri goes mom's. This year my grandparents (the best in the world) and Jenny came with me to the cemetery and we left balloons on Trevor's grave. I truly feel in my heart I know Trevor and when I see my mom I will see Trevor as well and know him. I feel he's an amazing person! I also have a tradition of buying balloons for each member of my family so each of us get to write a message on the balloon for mom and let it go outside. I want my children to know my mom and know their grandma Chris. We talk to Carter all the time about Grandma Chris. He says all the time she is in Heaven with Jesus and every time I hear the words they penetrate my soul. It is my mission to always know her as if she were here with me and to teach my children of her so they know her as well as they ever could. Another day, another year. I love you mom with all my heart and miss you beyond description. Happy happy Birthday!
"I am feeling very deep right now. Life is full of so much. So many decisions. I am frustrated. I have tried to devote myself and my life to the gospel. My mother got sick, I cried with her, I stood tall as she cried on my shoulder. I shuddered in my room as I heard her cry in pain from afar. I stood by the side of my father as we offered unto her countless blessings. I left her. I took my call of duty to service and left. We cried once again. I served, I did what I was supposed to do . She became worse. I left the vineyard to be by her side. We cried together once more. I left again. I left my dying mother to never see her again in this life. I served the Lord and shared the glad message honorably. I returned home to a changed life. To a motherless life. Things are supposed to work. Things are supposed to go well. My sacrifice should be recognized. But is is not. This is wrong. I should be thankful. I should be thankful for my trials. But right now I am not. My life would be better if my mom were here. I would be better. I would not feel so alone. I pray that this attitude will change. I pray that I may be wrothy of the Spirit to touch and change my heart. I pray that I may stand in holy places and be guided. I pray that there will be those along my path that will recognize my life and challenges. I pray for the day that I will see my mom. My precious mother. My angel mother. I miss you so. Words cannot express. There is a hole. It is everywhere. It grows. It is ever-present. She loved me so much in her mortal life. She offered me so much. My life felt so complete. The pain overwhelms me, but I must go on. I know that if I live worthy, the Lord will bless my life. This is the hope that I hold onto. Right now I feel anger, but hope will always ensue."
Posted by Poohbear at 11:33 AM