Friday, December 11, 2009

The Things Mom would love

We all recently went to the So You Think You Can Dance Tour!! Its so amazing. Nothing makes me happier than to watch dance...and dance myself of course which seems to be only in my fantasies these days. My siblings are so supportive of me, every year they pay a lot of money to come to these shows with me and I think they really do it more for me than themselves. Tara, Jenny, and Casey thank you so much for supporting me in something that means so much and makes me so happy. Dancing makes me think of mom. Its the connection only she and I have and it runs so deep. Whenever it came to dancing our souls connected. I miss that. She would love going to these with us. Like me I think nothing made her happier than the expression of dance~! I love you mom. I will always be your little dancer.


Another day I dread. I hate to say that because it is my mom's birthday. How can I say that about my moms birthday. The tears started yesterday and continued through today. Jason asked me what I wanted to do today and all I truly wanted to do was get in bed and pull the covers over my head. But when you are mom you never get to do that. So I got up and pushed through the morning. Our hospice nurse Larri became much more than just a nurse to me. She is the only person who saw what we went through and she herself lost her own son when he was 9 years old. Her son Trevor's birthday is tomorrow (the day after my moms). Since I cannot go to St. George to visit my mom's grave I go to Trevor's and visit his and Nurse Larri goes mom's. This year my grandparents (the best in the world) and Jenny came with me to the cemetery and we left balloons on Trevor's grave. I truly feel in my heart I know Trevor and when I see my mom I will see Trevor as well and know him. I feel he's an amazing person! I also have a tradition of buying balloons for each member of my family so each of us get to write a message on the balloon for mom and let it go outside. I want my children to know my mom and know their grandma Chris. We talk to Carter all the time about Grandma Chris. He says all the time she is in Heaven with Jesus and every time I hear the words they penetrate my soul. It is my mission to always know her as if she were here with me and to teach my children of her so they know her as well as they ever could. Another day, another year. I love you mom with all my heart and miss you beyond description. Happy happy Birthday!
Love Your
Shanny Babe

Casey's poem

"I am feeling very deep right now. Life is full of so much. So many decisions. I am frustrated. I have tried to devote myself and my life to the gospel. My mother got sick, I cried with her, I stood tall as she cried on my shoulder. I shuddered in my room as I heard her cry in pain from afar. I stood by the side of my father as we offered unto her countless blessings. I left her. I took my call of duty to service and left. We cried once again. I served, I did what I was supposed to do . She became worse. I left the vineyard to be by her side. We cried together once more. I left again. I left my dying mother to never see her again in this life. I served the Lord and shared the glad message honorably. I returned home to a changed life. To a motherless life. Things are supposed to work. Things are supposed to go well. My sacrifice should be recognized. But is is not. This is wrong. I should be thankful. I should be thankful for my trials. But right now I am not. My life would be better if my mom were here. I would be better. I would not feel so alone. I pray that this attitude will change. I pray that I may be wrothy of the Spirit to touch and change my heart. I pray that I may stand in holy places and be guided. I pray that there will be those along my path that will recognize my life and challenges. I pray for the day that I will see my mom. My precious mother. My angel mother. I miss you so. Words cannot express. There is a hole. It is everywhere. It grows. It is ever-present. She loved me so much in her mortal life. She offered me so much. My life felt so complete. The pain overwhelms me, but I must go on. I know that if I live worthy, the Lord will bless my life. This is the hope that I hold onto. Right now I feel anger, but hope will always ensue."

Monday, November 23, 2009

Remembering moms birthday

November 24th is moms 57th birthday. Gone to soon is what keeps echoing in my mind lately. Everyone still struggles a lot with it. I wish I could make it all better. I love my mom and can't wait to see her again. There is always an open wound you carry around with you when you go through this type of thing. The lesson is how to keep living. I think I'm learning slowly.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Friday, October 16, 2009

Remembering mom and dads anniversary

My mom and dad are still married even though they are not together anymore in life. I have to keep telling myself that even though its a really easy concept. Sunday will be 35 years. My advice to anyone would be to enjoy your relationships now because you just don't know when there could be a temporary separation. My heart has been hurting a lot lately if I let myself go there. I think missing someone is one of the strongest emotions you can experience. I love my mom and dad and can't wait until they are together again!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

It feels heavy right now.

Mom is coming to my mind a lot lately I feel sad often. I think it must be the time of year or something in the air. I have heard all my siblings tell me they are not doing well right now. I feel so sad, so sad the I'm having another baby that my mom is not here on earth to see. I want her to be here. I know that this spirit that is coming is with her now but It does not comfort me right now. I just want to talk to her and see her. I hope that we will all be together again soon... I am usually trying to see the good in why she had to go... but not today, today I feel sad and mad and lonely, It makes me feel like someone has played the a very mean joke on me and I just want it to all go away. I think it is good to feel what you are feeling and not cover it up and pretend it does not hurt. Because dang it, it does hurt and my heart feels beaten in. Mom why did you have to go?? I hope to find these answers out soon... I'm going to go fall asleep now and dream of her!! sorry so sad

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Grandma and Grandpa

These are my wonderful grandparents and my moms parents. We are so blessed to have them in our lives. Mom loves you Grammy and Grampy!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Man these are some cute kids...

What beautiful Grandchildren, I think they must have gotten there good looks from one
b-e-a-utiful Grandmother... We love you mom and Grandma!!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Family Reunion

Well this year its moms turn to head up the family reunion, it was her idea to start the annual reunions on the Record side of the family. She did not even get to attend one of them. We have struggled wanting to be a part of it with her not here. This year we have decided as siblings that we want to represent mom and be in charge of the plans for everyone. We know that is what she wants us to do. The hardest part is when the moms and dads of their families get up and introduce their children and see their excitement and pride at what they have created. Its just so hard because I know how proud mom would be of us her 4 children and 10 grandchildren. She would beam with joy as she introduced all of us. One of the hardest things has been not to be a part of a family with a mom and dad at the head of it. But we will move on and represent her with pride and joy and we will just have to be proud of ourselves. I know we can do it. Life is about hard things making you stronger.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

A new normal

I can remember when my mom left I thought to myself how can I possibly go on without her. Well you just go to bed and wake up and your still here and you do the best with that day that you know how to.
I miss my morning phone call and the feeling that I had when my family was all gathered together. I miss her holding my kids and looking at them with such love in her eyes. I miss seeing my mom and dad together. Its weird how you get used to things and what you thought was impossible is possible. My mom is helping me I know she calms me down and puts thoughts in my head to help me cope.
I think about that day that we see eachother again and when the pain of her absence with be gone. I can't wait. Maybe it will be sooner than later. Thats a happy thought. Love you mom

Monday, June 29, 2009

Our new family photos

We were exhausted after our 3 hour photo session, but it was worth it here is a peek at some of the photos. Hope you enjoy!

Our new family photos

Moms grandchildren

The Jenkins Kids

Emma, Nicholas, Jay, Tyler

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Moms 9th grandchild

This is mom's 9th grand child and 6th grandson, I wish so bad I could share him with her right now, but I know they spent some good time together before he came to me and I know she visits him.
Tyler Christian Jenkins 7lbs 13 oz 19.5 inches long born April 27th

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy mothers Day to my dear mom

This is the 3rd mothers day that we have spent apart, I miss you so much mom and wish I could share my new baby with you. I know that you know and love him and prepared him well before he came to us. I wish there was a way we could all stay together and never leave eachother, thats how it will be in the next life and I can't wait. Love you mom I miss you so much. Love Tara

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Giving Comfort

I read this in the readers digest and I thought it was perfect to the way I feel and what I have learned.

"I have a set of lessons learned about how to console those who have suffered a loss, based on my own personal experience and observation over the years.

First go to the funeral. Thirty years ago, mayor richard lee of new haven connectictu, told me that he always went to funerals. It's there that you see people, he said, and that they see you. It's there that you mingle with families, listen to them talk, and lend your full support. I had never heard that advice stated so explicitly, but he was exactly right. Death opens an enormous hole in the heart. A funeral service brings together those who can help fill that hole.

Second, call or write your friend when someone close to her or him had died. It is remarkable how few people actually reach out in tough times. Perhaps they don't know what to say; perhaps they think the person would prefer to be left alone. It is better to try and be rejected than to never try at all. Your friend can always resist the effort not answer the phone, not open the letter. But it is hard to imagine anyone not appreciateing it.

Third, never say "you will get over it." People rarely do.

The death of a loved one rips us apart, shakes us up , hurts terribly. So my fourth tip is to embrace the person who suffers. I think of the kiss my mother would give me when I would scrape my knee or cut my finger. Her act of love was more healing than any antiseptic.

Make it clear in the letter or phone call to your friend that she or he is wonderful. The outstretched arm, the warm embrace, the freshly baked cookies, or the frgrant flowers do not replace the life. Not by any means. But they do say to the grieving friend, "you are loved.
You are cherished. "

These are some of the best words I have heard and I have learned a lot going through this experience and I will follow this council whenever I know someone who suffers from a death. I know those people who did reach out helped so much. Love Tara

Monday, March 16, 2009

March 12 was the day my mom passed away 2 years ago. Oh boy what a hard day to get through, I mean every day seems challenging, some days are way worse than others. Its hard to think back to that awful day 2 years ago.... The things I had to see and feel where indescribable. You know I wanted her to be out of her pain and away from the body that stopped working for her. At the same time I did not want her to leave me. I would lay by her and sing hymns to her hoping that this would comfort her in some way. I also sat there and whispered to her in her ear that its "Its ok mom you can go we will be o.k. " The nurse said that maybe she was hanging on for us, and we needed to tell her that we would be ok. I also just wanted to hear her tell me she loved me one more time, not that I didn't here this like 50 million times in my life cause I did. My mom always told me how wonderful I am and how much she loves me every time we talked. She used to say "Jenny your so amazing, you can do anything." Man how awesome that she thought I was so great!! There are lots of memories I have of that day most of them sad. After she passed, I left the house by my self so I could cry alone. I said to her in my head," Mom why did you have to go, I miss you." And then as clear as day I heard in my head her answer me and say, " I did all I was supposed to do," Then I said in my head, " I love you mom" and she answered me back saying, " I love you too" It was a really amazing moment for me. I still feel her around me at times. Sometimes I'll be sitting there and I swear there is someone behind me or by me. She did tell me when she was very sick, "I don't know how it all works up there, but I will be with you as much as I can."

When my mom and I would see each other I was always really silly with her, I loved to make her laugh. I would tickle her, (she is so ticklish, ) I always used to pick her up cause I was alot taller than her and she was always so skinny. She would laugh, and scream it was so much fun. I think about when I see her again sometimes, I think I will pick her up and she will laugh and we will laugh and it will be a sweet reunion. (Thank you for listening)

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I miss you

There hasn't been anything posted in such a long time I had to get on and say how much I miss you mom. It doesn't get easier and it doesn't go away how much I want things to be back the way they were. I still can't believe we have to go on living without mom. Everyone else moves on and the sting goes away but for the people closest it never leaves. I guess thats what the definition of a trial is. At least I can say when I get up to heaven to some of those great prophets and people up there that I have gone through the depths of what life can bring you and I am worthy to be with them because of the pains and trials I had to go through in life. Hopefully I am learning and growing, although it doesn't always feel that way. Miss you and love you mom.