Monday, December 30, 2013


Grandma was not feeling good for about two weeks. I talked to her on the phone and she was telling me she just couldn't get over a bug. They found that she had a uti that went septic. She had a seizure in the hospital where she died for a couple of minutes. She came back and was in the ICU for a while but since she has been awake she can't remember what month It is or where she is. She sometimes gets our names right but not always. I can see a little of her personality there but a lot of it is gone. I love my grandma so much. She has been such a strength and support for me and my family. I have leaned on her and she has supported me through mom's death. She is such a strong lady. I hope and pray she will be here for a long time but only in a condition that she would want to be in. The next few weeks will tell what the future may hold. Grandma said that there's nothing in life as sure as change and that statement is so very true. I miss her, I miss her calling me. We have the best conversations that always end in how much we love eachother and how proud she is of me. I could not have asked for more. A true example of what a grandmother is and should be. Pray hard whoever might be reading this that grandma will come back to us soon.

Grandbaby #12

Delaney Marie Kidman

Monday, November 25, 2013

My Mama's Birthday!

Yesterday was my mom's 61st birthday. I thought about her all day. I wonder if she would be looking different. What would her schedule be now. Would her interests and likes be the same as they were in her 50's. What trips would we be planning. Jenny, Shannon, Casey and I met for some memory sharing and we were able to be more positive and have a few smiles this year. We asked eachother questions to spur memories. What was mom's bedtime routine? We all remembered her putting on Vaseline to remove her eye makeup and having big black circles around her eyes before she would wash it off. She would jiggle her eyes around until I could hear them sloshing. (Question)What was mom's favorite color? (Answer)Red or blue we think. She looked fabulous in blue. (Question)What was mom's favorite time of day? (Answer)Lunchtime. We remember her sitting at the table with a sandwhich, chips, milk and a cookie reading her book. She would usually be sitting in the sunshine basking in the warmth of it. (Question)Favorite tv shows? (Answer)3rd rock from the sun, news in the morning, watching cheers with dad in bed before going to sleep. (Question)Childhood memories? (Answer)Sitting on grandma's lap and not wanting to be anywhere else. (Question)Favorite activity (Answer) walking, aerobics, being active. She was always walking us all over the place. I loved it! This is our 7th birthday without her. I miss her this time of year more than anytime else. My heart still aches. I can't wait to see her again.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Thoughts from the show!

What a fun experience this has been to be featured on The Doctors tv show. It was weird to see ourselves on tv. It was amazing to share my moms story and to see her cute face. Living with death of a family member is like ocean waves, one minute your are doing fine and the next your riding the sadness ocean wave down again. It crashes over you and you have to go through the heartache that is one minute strong and another letting up a bit but always there. I miss her so much. Im glad to have helped bring awareness of the BRCA gene. It may save lives as people get tested and treated before cancer hits. I also believe that everyone has a timeline and that Is determined by heavenly father. When you reach the end there has to be a way for you to exit this life and move on to the next. I know this was true for my mom. I think she had more work to do on the other side and she was called home. I believe cancer is one of the tools that our father uses to bring us home.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Tv show extravaganza

The story goes like this......for years I have been thinking about breast cancer. My mom first got breast cancer when she was 42. I have had two mammograms just as a precaution. As I get older cancer is definitely something that is on my mind. I first heard about the BRCA gene testing a few years ago but the facts were that it was expensive $4000 not covered by insurance and could be used as a pre existing condition. I didn't know how this testing would happen but I really wanted it to happen. I had an idea to write into a tv show about our family story and inquire about getting the gene testing as a way to make it happen. A few months ago I did it and wrote into The Doctors tv show I thought the topic was interesting and would be a good discussion to have. Our story is like this.....My moms older sister was diagnosed with breast cancer first she had a lumpectomy and chemo for her treatment. About two months later my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, at the time it was called DCIS (ductal carcinoma In-Situ) which means a precancerous condition in the milk ducts. She was given a lumpectomy and radiation. A few months later a mammogram revealed more cancer in that breast which meant mastectomy on the one side and more radiation but her survival rate was in the high 90%. A few months later my moms younger sister was diagnosed with the exact same cancer as my mom and she had a mastectomy. As we all know 8 years later the cancer returned as a lump in my mom's neck that was stage 4 cancer and terminal. ( I didn't accept this fact at the time). Cancer is on my mind a lot. I seem to plan for the worst and hope for the best. After writing into the show they called us to be on and have the BRCA testing done. They came to my sisters house here in Utah with a film crew and filmed us over one day talking about mom and her story and what it would mean to us to find out if we carried the gene. It was fun to tell mom's story. We went on the show last Friday. It was crazy and nerve racking to find out the results on tv. We went into the show early in the morning and had hair and make up done. We met with the producer to go over what we would be talking about and my sisters and I didn't really know what we were going to say. We watched our story on the tv behind stage for a minute before we went out. It was emotional even at that moment. We went on stage and met with Dr. Travis Stork who is the host of the show. Also there was Dr.Funk who was Angelina Jolie's Dr. and did her mastectomy. There was another female dr on stage. They asked us questions about breast cancer and what actions we would take. I think it went well. It went really fast only about 10 minutes and we were done and headed back to the hotel. I am excited to see it when it airs and hope it comes across well. It was a fun and stressful experience but I am grateful to be able to share my mom's story. By the way we were all negative! Yeah!!!!! We still have a family history breast cancer risk but it is a lower risk without the BRCA gene!

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Created for Greater things

I believe we have all been created for greater things than we can comprehend. The times call for great things, but great things in the noblest and most redemptive sense are predicated upon tolerance, love, respect, understanding, dignity, prayer, God.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

A face that is always on my mind, A smile I have seen a million times, Two eyes that would light up the sky at night, One last battle you could not fight, The day was long, then night then morn. I knew that soon you would be gone, I clasped your hand so warm in mine, Soon we would be out of time, To stay with us you fought so hard, A million pieces went my heart, Now a photo I look at to see your smile, I keep your number on my speed dial, A video I watch to hear your voice, This I do.... I have no choice., But great memories I will always keep with me, Your love in my heart for eternity, To understand why, I can but try, Waiting in heaven from this moment on, 'Till god asks you to bring me home....

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Simple Things

Today marks 6 years since my mother has left this life. For much time as a family we have discussed what we should do on this day.. Do we get together? Do we cry? Do we get together and have fun? Do we even acknowledge it as anything, but just another day? We would like to treat it just like any other day, but the reality is that March 12th will always stand out to us as the day in which we lost our wonderful and beautiful mother, sister, wife, daughter and friend.. at least for a time. I know that my mom would not want us to mourn for her. My mother celebrated life. She knew what it was all about. She would soak up this beautiful spring weather and sunshine with a smile and expect us to do the same. Recently I have pondered experiences that seem very simple, yet that have given me joy and reminded me of my sweet mom and that she is not so far away. My sweet sister, Jenny very recently had her 5th child. While she was in labor, dealing with the pain and uneasiness of that difficult time, I took her hand and touched her forehead very gently. She told me that I touch her just as our mom did. And I told her that’s because I love her just as our mom does. The other day my wife and I went to my grandparents’ home for a visit. We love them dearly, and they offer us so much joy. In our ever quest to offer different remedies to my grandpa, I introduced both my grandpa and grandma to essential oils. My grandpa didn’t care for them much, but my grandma seemed to love them as I rubbed her. I then kissed her forhead and told her how much I loved her, and felt that sweet love from my wonderful grandmother. How thankful I am for these simple opportunities I have to feel of the love of those beloved individuals around me. Thus, on this day (though it be a difficult one) might we remember the wonderful blessings and the wonderful opportunities we have to show and receive love from those around us. How happy I know my mom is to see these special moments and I know that often in these moments is when we can feel her the most.

Another year behind us.............

I wish I had something poetic to say. As I reflect on the life my mom lived and the time that we have been parted. I am happy and sad. She is an excellent mother I love her with all my heart and I am grateful to have been given such a gift to have a wonderful mom. Having to be parted from eachother has shaken me to my core and I have had to dig deep to find peace and strength. I miss her and I want to be together again, we are getting closer to that time with every year that passes.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Mom's newest grandchild number 11

There have been many events that we have missed having mom here for. It was mom's 60th birthday, Christmas, New Years, many children and grandchildren's birthday parties and the birth of Jenny's baby Evie. Now we are approaching 6 years being without her. It doesn't hurt as bad and I don't think about her all the time like I used to at these events. I know she is a little closer right now and that she escorted little Evie to this grand world.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

What is this thing that men call death? This quiet passing in the night? 'Tis not the end but genesis Of better worlds and greater light O God, touch Thou my aching heart And calm my troubled, haunting fears Let hope and faith, transcendent, pure Give strength and peace beyond my tears. There is no death, but only change With recompense for vict'ry won The gift of Him who loved all men The son of God, the Holy one.